Loving out Loud

dealing with loss Jun 03, 2020

Over the past 3 days, Bill and I have lost 2 family members, one human and one canine.  Needless to say, my emotions are pretty raw.  Once again, I am reminded me of just how short, yet amazing life is!


Anyone who knows me has seen me go through tragedy and loss, and how I’ve come back from it.  It’s part of life to suffer heartbreak and to experience struggle.  It sucks and isn’t fun.  But it does shine light on the important stuff.  And we grow as a result of the experience.  


What I have found is that if you don’t let yourself fully experience the highs and lows of life, you don’t really get to LIVE.  You end up walking around numb and hiding emotions from others, perhaps even from yourself.  You miss out on Life!


It wasn’t until my infamous car crash in 2012 that I realized what really drove me as a person.  LOVE.  


Growing up, I desperately sought it.  My dogs gave that to me.  They eventually taught me to love myself.  From there, I had a passion to teach and help others experience the love they could get from their dogs.  I couldn’t explain why I did it until recently.  I needed to love others who couldn’t always love themselves.  And I continue to do that through my work - teaching agility, coaching, speaking and simply living out loud.  Loving out loud!


Yesterday, I had the opportunity to give BreeSea one last special day - celebrating her life and spoiling her with all the little things that brought both of us joy.  Driving to Starbucks to get Puppacino (and cappuccino for me).  Swimming with the pack (or floating amongst the swimming dogs).  Working in the office chewing a marrow bone.  Visiting our favorite Chiropractor and PT.  Driving through In-n-Out to bring home a special indulgence for dinner.  Sitting together on the floor sharing burgers and fries just about blew her mind!  Then we sat on the grass by the pool, chewing a second Marrow bone of the day, and surrounded by her loving family as she crossed over the rainbow bridge. .  . even helping to carry her beautiful body to the car as we loaded it to go to cremation.  I am grateful to have been able to honor her until the end of this life.


My heart aches, tears roll down my cheeks and I feel this void in all the places in the house she liked to be.  But, as I was swimming the dogs this morning, a yellow butterfly came fluttering by for several minutes as I found myself thinking about and missing her.  She’s still here with me.  I know it.  She shows herself in her offspring - I can see the sparkle in their eyes when they look at me.  I can feel her in my heart.


This kind of love you cannot hide from.  This kind of pain is worth the love and the joy she brought to my life.  I’ve been through tougher challenges, and I know I will get through this pain and grief.  But, its so real - raw.  I miss her desperately, but I also don’t want to miss her gifts to me.  Her love helped me through so many difficult times in the recent past. 

 Her love will keep me going. . . 

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